Friday Humor

I love my friends. I know who they are and I love and appreciate them anyway. They do the same for me. Some are old friends, some are relatively new friends. What we all seem to share is a love of life, a sense of truth and a personal honesty that reflects a soul comfortable in their own skin...or at least one working in that direction.

Of course I had to preface this blog with nice comments, because some of my closest friends have a wild sense of humor.

Here is one I just received from my fun-loving, eccentric college friend Maureen. She is a hoot!


This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best
webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your
'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.
Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research
on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly
visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does
any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department
that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will
keep.
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

I Love Facebook

I love Facebook, not only do I learn things quickly but I get to experience some very funny commentary...here is one that got a hearty laugh today.

"I am feeling particularly anarchistic today, with a side order of nihilism. The last time I felt like this I got confused and felt anachronistic. Sat around all damn day in a powdered wig and knee breeches."

Thanks Richard!

Gotta Love Steve 2

Tool Definitions



DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat

metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest

and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part

which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints

and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you

to say, ''What the...??''



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their

holes until you die of old age.



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation

of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert

minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija

board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,

unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its

course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off

bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to

transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the

conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the

grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the

ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the

jack handle firmly under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile

upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than

any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending

any possible future use.



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most

shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily

fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead

of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile

strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that

inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end

opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals

under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and

splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name

implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes

used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip

or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer

nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most

expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic

bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic

parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while

wearing them.



DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the

garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is

also, most often, the next tool that you will need.