Friday Humor

I love my friends. I know who they are and I love and appreciate them anyway. They do the same for me. Some are old friends, some are relatively new friends. What we all seem to share is a love of life, a sense of truth and a personal honesty that reflects a soul comfortable in their own skin...or at least one working in that direction.

Of course I had to preface this blog with nice comments, because some of my closest friends have a wild sense of humor.

Here is one I just received from my fun-loving, eccentric college friend Maureen. She is a hoot!


This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to
American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine
products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph.
It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors' choice for best
webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your
'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the
LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably
never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr.
Thatcher? Ever suffered from the curse'? I'm
guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal
forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed
into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly
with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene
Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research
on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly
visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know
about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and
about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a
tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my
friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must
realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs
in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my
letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on
the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy
Period.'

Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does
any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible
during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above
sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI,
unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there
will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which
you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock
yourself in your house just so you don't march down to
the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man!
If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's
actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just
picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department
that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in
monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad
business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of
condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will
keep.
Always. . .

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX